It’s Time to Eat Elon
For the good of us all, he must be turned into a pie.
Yes, it’s finally time to address that terrible man, Elon Musk.
Even writing his name out makes me feel tired — like I can feel the dust collecting on me, and hear the rhubarb-like squeak of my nails growing. I hate talking about Musk, much as I’m sure everyone hates hearing about him. But the time has come (the Walrus said) to talk of many things: of election interference and disinformation machines, and just how fashy is Elon and what it all could mean.
Let us first establish who Elon Musk is. Ol’ Muskywusky grew up in Apartheid South Africa, where his family had shares in an emerald mine. So far, so Bond-villain — er, I mean normal. Muskola has done his best to scrub the whole “emerald mine” fact from the web, after Forbes originally reported it, and has repeatedly claimed it’s a lie.
Rather unfortunately it was his father who first said it, and Elon then confirmed in an interview back in the day. Snopes have a very long article about it, but unfortunately miss the point: they think it is specious “because there is no evidence that this emerald mine was the basis for Musk’s wealth in America”. You’ll notice that’s a different proposition to the statement “Elon Musk’s family, in Apartheid South Africa, had shares in an emerald mine”. Thanks, Snopes. How nice it must be to approach balance and fact-checking with the naïveté of a newborn calf.
The Elongated Muskrat was involved in the Dot Com Bubble — a big buildup of capital investment because people thought the Internet, particularly eCommerce, was going to be huuge! Which, in fairness, it was… just not then. The bubble burst when it became apparent that speculation outweighed what the nascent Internet 1.0 could deliver.
Muskadoodledoo started his road from “rich” to “stupidly rich” with Zip2, which provided digital city maps and sold its services to players like the New York Times. It was eventually bought by Compaq and made Elon $22,000,000. Fascinatingly enough, The Washington Post reported in 2024 that Musk was working in the USA illegally at the time. No wonder he’s now so cross about illegals taking jobs! Yet another reason he’s thirsting so hard for a Trump win in a few days…
Moving on, the massive jerk owned and ran a company called X — no, not that one! This one was just a primitive online bank. He thought the name X was cool, because he wouldn’t recognise “cool” if it ran him over with it’s self-driving feature and mangled him under its ugly, ugly chassis.
You probably have never heard of the original incarnation of “X”, because it was not much of a big deal. What it did do was make him a shedload of cash when it was bought by (and incorporated into) Confinity, which would go on to become PayPal.
Confinity was founded by billionaire tech-fascist Peter Thiel, so it makes sense he and Emerald Mine Boy would have a lot to discuss. Unfortunately, at this point in history, they clashed… mostly due to Elon being a terrible businessman. Thiel resigned as CEO, and Musk took over before being such a bum-faced catastrophe that the board kicked him out and brought Thiel back. Elon remained as an advisor (and shareholder) and had a $176,000,000 payday when eBay bought PayPal in 2002.
To recap: Musk’s genius decisions, as described thus far, are:
- Being born into a wealthy family
- Making millions from selling up a meh digital city guides thing that didn’t live beyond 2003. In the early 2000’s, Compaq’s AltaVista search engine was bought by Yahoo! and all its internal tools were replaced with Yahoo!’s own technologies. RIP Zip2.
- Making a mickey-mouse digital bank that got bought up by a much better service. RIP X (Senior).
- Briefly being CEO of Confinity, before everyone found out what a complete buttmunch he was/is and quitting him like a bad habit.
- Making ridiculous sums of money by still having his name on the papers when Confinity/PayPal was sold to eBay.
The utter bumwomble then went on to found SpaceX in 2002. He tried to buy ICBM’s from Russia, but then when that was too expensive he decided could do it better himself. SpaceX blew up a bunch of test-rockets, and in 2008 actually got one to work. This “blowing things up until they work” strategy nearly bankrupted ol’ Muskasaurus... because it’s an idiotic way to run a business. There’s a reason NASA don’t operate like that.
But, luckily for him, his rockets were juuuust what NASA wanted, having made the Big Brain decision to mothball their venerable Space Shuttle programme without a replacement. With NASA now bereft of vehicles capable of getting personnel and supplies into space, SpaceX was given $1,600,000,000 to do it.
In 2003, Elon bought Tesla — an electric car manufacturing company. He ran that into the ground and nearly took it, SpaceX and his own personal fortune out in one fell swoop due to his addiction to blowing up rockets. That was until NASA’s contract came through.
In 2009, to Musk’s credit, as Tesla’s carnival barker (as well as CEO) he got a lot of people excited for the company. Investment and capital flowed in, not least of all from the US government, and Tesla become valued at preposterous sums. However, until recently, Tesla’s main profit centres were Bitcoin (which drove its jump into profitability in 2020/21) and selling pollution credits to other car companies. Tesla has made a profit since then, despite its union-busting; sexual harassment; fraud; misappropriation; racism and environmental regulations breaches.
Whaddaya know! Musk got Tesla to turn a profit and all it took was breaking every employment law in the book and investing in crypto! How like unto a God that man is, and not at all a derrière-sandwich.
Musk is not that dissimilar from a lottery winner: he gambled, it paid off and he’s been bungling around with his billions ever since because he’s so wealthy nobody can really stop him.
This tremendous brain-box then created StarLink, The Boring Company, Neuralink, SolarCity and basically whatever loony-toons sci-fi silliness he wants. He has the money, and its surprising what you can achieve if money is no object. You can pay for some very intelligent people to solve whatever problems you like! Some of his projects have had more success than others, but they are always (first and foremost) vanity projects.
To date, Musk has exactly one patent to his name: those stupid foldaway door handles on Teslas. That’s it. He’s not a designer, engineer, physicist, mathematician or scientist. He’s a rich nimrod who throws money at people to do stuff for him.
He wants to be the man who made Star Trek happen. To borrow a phrase from the sitcom Silicon Valley “I don’t want to live in a world where someone else gets to make the world a better place” — Elon wants all the flashy sci-fi without the work and without needing to give up his wealth.
So far, so what? So he’s a wealthy, noodle-headed buffoon cosplaying as Thomas Edison? Big deal. Leave him to it. Right?
Well, remember I mentioned Nerd-Reich techbro Peter Thiel earlier? Well, he and Musk have largely gone down the same rabbit hole. Probably something to do with having more money than God, you start thinking you know best and that those petty things like The Law and Human Rights are just obstacles to you doing what you want.
Let me illustrate that point better with the Titan Submersible disaster. What we had there was a very rich nincompoop who, despite being told his little tin-can was absolutely, completely, 100% unsuited to diving four miles under the ocean… did it anyway. Controlling it with a wireless Logitech gamepad. People paid to travel down with him to see the wreckage of RMS Titanic. After all, they must have reasoned, it had to be safe if the CEO himself was the pilot! Then he and several others died a horrible death in the icy, cold black of the Atlantic and today the wrecks of both Titanic and Titan sit grinning at each other across the ocean floor. A fresh batch of corpses to sate whatever Shining-like appetite Titanic seems to be possessed of.
The CEO of OceanGate, who died piloting Titan, figured nothing was out of his reach because he was rich. If he wanted to go to the bottom of the sea, he would make that happen! If he wanted to go to the Moon, he would do it! If he wanted to be the first man to set foot on the Sun then that’s what he’d do! Damnit, don’t tell me it’s not feasible: I can buy and sell your ass! Do it or you’re fired!
Think I’m joking? Co-founder of OceanGate (and sadly still alive human) Guillermo Söhnlein has started a program to put a permanent human colony on Venus. Yes, that Venus. The hottest planet in the solar system with surface temperatures of around 500°c and an atmosphere of sulfuric acid at the same pressure as 1km underwater. That Venus. The one that looks like every ancient religion’s mental image of eternal damnation. The same Venus that would instantly crush; dissolve and incinerate any human being who came near to it. THAT. VENUS.
Thiel and Musk have, by virtue of their wealth and psychopathic tendencies, landed in the same inner-mind-theatre padded cell. Everything they do is great — or will be, if you just give them a chance! — but all anyone else does is try to stop them! It’s so mean! If only there were a place they could go to just get away from all these rules, laws and interference!
Hey, you ever play Bioshock? That videogame about an undersea city that ran on pure, Ayn Rand capitalism and was built by a lunatic before it descended into chaos and destroyed itself? Followup question: whilst playing it, did you think “hey this is a great idea, someone should do this for real!”
Well, they’re trying. Loads of crypto-bro venture capitalist weirdos are desperately trying to get “seasteading” to work: creating floating islands in international waters so they can found whole states that function like companies — a CEO instead of president, a board in place of parliament and shareholders instead of voters. Here’s an article detailing the basics, if you want your head to spin around like a whirligig. They want floating cities in the sea, where they can mine bitcoin and break as many laws as they like.
And that is why Eloon wants to go to Mars and do space stuff. To go to a place that he, and nobody else, is in charge of. Turns out, though, he might not need to go that far.
After losing what can only be described as “a game of chicken with himself”, Elon was legally forced into buying Twitter in 2022 after shooting his mouth off, and then being told by his lawyers that he couldn’t wriggle out of it. The renowned brain-box then sacked anyone there who didn’t want to commit to indentured servitude — sorry, “hard core” work — and went around unplugging servers to see what they did.
He famously went on a Twitter Spaces conversation where a software engineer, outside of Twitter, probed Musk on exactly what he meant when he complained that the software stack of Twitter was rotten and needed rewriting. Musk threw a tantrum and left the chat.
Since then, he’s sacked most of his content moderation team and by-and-large allowed Twitter… which he has renamed X because he is just so gosh darn cool and not at all mind-bogglingly divorced… to descend into an eight year old’s idea of free-speech.
Well, sort-of.
Musk has brought his power of “Chief Twit” to bear on X and censored several things he doesn’t like. An account that published the (public) data on Elon’s private jet and its route got axed. So did anyone who mentioned the open-source Twitter-alternative Mastodon. So, too, do journalists who irk Elon.
Free speech! Hurray! Can you see this tiny, yet none-the-less glorious, flag I am waving?
Ah, but there’s more. What doesn’t get censored, you see, is anything Musk happens to like, which over the last two years has gone from “Libertarian Rich Weirdo Stuff” right down the u-bend before landing at “MAGA lunatic who promotes Nazi conspiracies and absolutely hates trans people stuff”. Thanks to his maddening levels of wealth, which accrues at a rate that he cannot possibly spend, he has even been pumping millions into a political action campaign (PAC) for The Donald.
Thiel is also a huge fan on Monsignor Trump.
All three are firmly in the same canoe, purposely paddling out to sea as fast as they can because (as everyone knows) that’s how you fight the current and get back to land! Immigrants? Round ’em up and transport them, or burn them, or experiment on them or something. Transes? Outlaw them. They’re sick and a danger to women — and if anyone knows about being a danger to women it’s Trump and Musk. Public health? Screw it. I don’t care about poor people getting treatment, I want lower taxes! By which I mean no taxes! And no taxis, either! I want hypersonic turbo-pods powered by dogecoin to transport me at the speed of lunacy to my next amazing and not at all drug-addled, fever-dream, crackpot idea!
Ahem.
Remember I said he might not need seasteading any more? Trump says Elon Musk has agreed to lead proposed government … where he just cuts budgets as he sees fit. You see, Elon is a business genius — hey, who’s laughing at the back? — and therefore best placed to trim down government spending! And if some of that should meander its way into his back-pocket, what’s the harm? If we just let these guys do what they want, instead of over-regulating them with cuck concerns like “legality” and “safety” then they could fix everything!
Interestingly enough, Musk might actually need Trump to win. His election stunt of awarding $1,000,000 every day to a rando drawn from the pool of everyone who signs his covenant to protect the First Amendment (the freeze peach one) and the Fifth Amendment (the one about having the right to blow the Earth up with an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator) might actually be just as illegal as it sounds.
Musk himself has said that if Trump loses, he is (and I quote): “f*cked” (content warning: video includes Tucker Carlson).
Best beloved, we have thus landed at end-game. Elon is now so wealthy he is essentially above the law: he can just pump millions and millions of dollars behind the candidate he wants. He can settle any lawsuit or, if preferred, throw a vast army of solicitors at any legal issue and keep it tied up in legal mumbojumbo for so long it’ll outlive the very rock we walk upon. He has a vast propaganda machine that now exists purely to do what he wants — there is no consistency of thought or motive to Twitter’s rules, it’s just “what Elon wants” is the rule. He can sow mountains of disinformation, and unfriendly states like Russia are more than happy to lend the seeds.
When Brazil’s court ruled that, because it didn’t obey by the country’s laws, Twitter was to be blocked… Musk just used his StarLink satellites to beam it in anyway.
Musk is very, very dangerous. He’s a child with a loaded shotgun. You should be afraid of him, and Peter Thiel, and all the other thousands of incredibly wealthy, deeply bizarre, Ayn Rand-obsessed, alt-Right, Libertarian, hooting, sphincter-gibbons they represent. These guys are pumping money and influence into our politics through utterly opaque “think tanks” like the Heritage Foundation, the Institute for Economic Affairs, Family First, the Institute for Lovely Puppies and Definitely Not Fighting to Sterilise Minorities and the Association of Truly Lovely Folks Who Just Happen to Like Pointy White Hats.
This has been going on for decades and these characters do not have your, mine or anyone else’s best interests at heart. They are mega-rich, mega-opinionated, tax-evading ghouls who chafe at the idea of any judge; state or law actually compelling their behaviour. They want to do what they want, all the time. And plenty of them are more than happy to throw money at the neo-fascist MAGA project… and the Democratic Party also.
Now, I’m not going to sit here and honk about how “you shouldn’t vote Democrat because they’re just as bad”, because that’s asinine. One option facing the Americans next week is an out-and-out fascist. Of course you should vote for the one who isn’t, even if they’re not exactly a stunning option.
What you, me and everyone else needs to do is to get involved and make noise outside of elections. We have to counter the very small cadre of loonies who have been drafted in by rich kooks to drive discussion in favour of those self-same rich kooks. We need to observe, analyse and hold our parties to account — in the case of the Democrats, the fact that they will sabotage genuinely Left-wing candidates in favour of Centre (or Right) options… who then go on to prop up Big Business.
Ever notice that, under the Democrats, they can never get anything done? That they always need another 4 years? Always because they have a razor-thin margin and the Republicans and five-ish Democrat designated baddies will sabotage them? That’s all by design. That way, they can keep the business gravy train rolling along, but aw-golly-shucks-gee-whiz we just don’t have the votes to do Universal Health Care, or UBI, or feed school children or whatever.
Hold them to account, get out and get heard. Otherwise The Rich are going to win…
…and if that happens, we’ll have no choice but to eat Elon. I’ll get the oven warmed up, you prep the pastry. He’ll taste just ghastly, but what choice do we have?
